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Monday, October 01, 2018

eighteen years

(an older picture of #TheWholeWad, but it will be a while before I can take another like it)

Some things I know, and some things I don't know.

I know I love my family.
I know family is important.
I know there are many shapes families take.
I know I love all my children with a fierceness I can't describe.

I don't know why my son passed away before he was born.
I don't know the complete degrees to which losing him affected me.
I know losing him wrecked me.
I know losing him made me stronger.

I don't know why people go through things that seem unbearable.
I don't know why sometimes people say we shouldn't grieve loss.
I know I'll see my son again.
I know things can be happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
I don't know what value I bring or worth I have.
I know my kids have inherent value and infinite worth.
I know I should give myself the same pep talk I would give my kids.

I know I don't feel like I fit in, not where I live nor where I used to live.
I know I need friends.
I know I feel lost.
I know I'm trying my best.

I know I still guard my answer to, "How many kids do you have?"
I know some people think having one who passed away doesn't count.
I know they're wrong.
I know the instant, tragic camaraderie among those of us who have lost children.

I know during this week every year I need to be extra kind to myself.
I know I need protection.
I know I need comfort and support and love.
I know I need connection.

I know sometimes trying is the best there is.
I know I want my kids to know joy.
I know I want to be happy.
I know I want to be whole.

I know I love my husband more than I can describe.
I know he's exactly what I want and exactly what I need.
I don't know why we didn't come together until later.
I know there isn't a name for the shape our family takes.

I know Taylor is part of our family.
I know this connection looks different.
I know many things take a very long time to figure out.
I know there is room enough and love enough for all.

I know acceptance comes in the answer sometimes being,
"I don't know."

Taylor Week:
2015 (and this one)

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