Monday, October 03, 2011

eleven

Last week, while enjoying lunch and talking about kids with Kalli & Sharon, Kalli asked me, "And what about Taylor? Remind me - where does he fit in your line of kids?"

"Second," I answered. "Actually, this Monday, it's been eleven years."

It's not that I hadn't been thinking about it, but I was actually proud of myself for not having burst into tears right then and there at the table. I thought to myself, Maybe it will be different this year. Maybe it's getting easier.

That evening, I was organizing the kids' clothes, like I do for the seasonal closet changes. I mentioned to Darin that I would have to take Bubby clothes shopping soon, and at that moment, it hit me:

He doesn't have hand-me-downs.

That night I sobbed myself to sleep, tears soaking my pillow as Darin did his best to comfort me while rubbing my back.

*****
Each year I give myself this time. A week, if I need, to just mourn, to just feel. In years past, it has, at times, meant locking myself in my bedroom, curling up on my bed, and crying. Each year is different; this year is different.

On Saturday, I wasn't floored by the idea of it being The Anniversary Of Finding Out My Son Was No Longer Living; rather, I woke up, showered & dressed, attended a business brunch, enjoyed General Conference, visited with some friends, and took my daughters shopping. Sunday was a very nice day at home (again, General Conference) with my family.

Today, I don't predict that I will require the time to take a crying break, but if I do, I will. I will take flowers to the cemetery, that remains a constant.

On Thursday (the 6th, the day of Taylor's funeral), I will be occupied with keeping two of my kids comfortable in their newly-acquired braces.

I'm not saying that there isn't time, or necessity, to mourn. I guess what I'm saying is that this year, I've found a change. Maybe it's a gift given from the passage of time, or the distractions of being needed (now, and each minute, more than ever?) by the rest of my family, or even a combination of these and many other things. I'd never deign suggest to someone at the beginning (or at any part, really) or this journey that time will make it better. Yet, I find that at this point, for me, at least a little bit, I think it has.

Even so, I may get caught off-guard this week and need to excuse myself for a healthy cry*. If I do, you'll know why.




*Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn't even write this without crying. Man oh man, I miss that boy.

Posts from Taylor week in years past:

2005
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010

**Thanks to Tori for emailing me the link to this talk. You are a kind and thoughtful friend.

20 comments:

Naomi said...

I've been thinking of you and your family this weekend x

dalene said...

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Love you--

Geo said...

I'm sending warm and comforting thoughts your way to care for you as you do it however you need to. Love and hugs.

Jo said...

My heart is with you as you embrace the bittersweetness of loving your boy.

wendysue said...

Love you ~j.

Emily said...

Love you, my friend.

Kristen said...

Love you friend! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I look up to you more than you'll ever know! xo

Lisa said...

Love you! (nothing wrong with a good cry. . . )

Hailey said...

Much love to you this day and a reminder to give my own eleven year old an extra squeeze tonight.

La Yen said...

If you want, I will fly up there and run around really really hard and sweat and not wash my hair for three days and let some stinky toots rip. Then it will be JUST like you have an 11 year old boy in the house. JUST LIKE.

I love you.

Kalli said...

Truly I hope my question did not come off as flippant. I knew Taylor day was coming up and wanted to make sure he was acknowledged in the Eckton lineup.

Several of my friends have experienced the loss of a child and it cuts me deep every time.

You are an example to me. Praying for you and Taylor.

Ariel said...

This breaks my heart that your family has endured such a loss. No matter how comforting it is that families are eternal, the distance can still be so painful. You and your family are in my prayers. I love you so much, Jenny. You are such an example to me of true and enduring faith.

Steph said...

You are an amazing and strong woman. Sending love.

LuLu said...

Jenny you are a strong and beautiful woman. Thank you for having the courage to share all of this with us :-)

Susan said...

dear jenny,
i love you.
that is all.
xo,
s.

Shelly said...

Love you Jenny! You are a wonderful mother and a good example to many.

Sister Pottymouth said...

I could loan you my 11-year-old boy, but it just wouldn't be the same. Sending my love an prayers your way this week.

Julie Dayley said...

God Bless you Jenny!

Tori said...

<3
Love you.

Nicole said...

I was just sitting here on my couch, too early for my husband to be awake (usually it's the other way around), wrapped in the blanket you so generously gave me for my wedding (it's my one and only favorite that I use everyday:) and thinking of you and how hard that would have been. I met you shortly after that happened and I didn't realize then the pain you were going through. Love you Jenny- you and your family. It's been a long time since I've seen you but I'm thinking of you and hope you're all well and happy!