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Monday, March 13, 2006

part dos

And now another list. These are things I can do without.
~Phone solicitors, telemarketers, even market researchers - anyone who calls me - who cannot truthfully list English as even their second language. I'm not talking about the mispronunciation of my name, or asking to speak with Mister Or Misses Eckerton; DO NOT call to ask questions or "just let me know" ANYTHING if you cannot read/speak English in an audibly legible manner.
~People referring to their apartments as condos.
~The teaching manuals at church. How can the laurels take me seriously when I'm expected to read:
Mother called for help from the foyer, "Carol, the twins need their shoes cleaned, and Margaret and Gay are quarelling!"
~The immediate answer that comes to mind when my 4-year-old asks me what rhymes with duck.
~Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. Don't EVEN get me started.
~U2. I'm open to this one, actually. If anyone can prove to me that these guys are as fantastic as everyone thinks they are, I might reconsider. But as I see it, here is the formula for The Edge:
1. Find a cool riff.
2. Repeat. Again, and again, and again. Make it the entire song. Heck, if you want, use it in five other songs.
~The Low Book Sales ads. (I'd elaborate for those of you who have never heard them, but it's just too painful.)
~The Shane Company ads. Especially now that they've tried to improve them.
~The Beastie Boys knock-off song in the McDonald's commercial.
~The fact that no restaurants in Utah County accept reservations. This may be an exaggeration - I have not attempted to make restaurant reservations in some time - but I think there's a reason for that, and I think it's because (if memory serves) no one takes reservations.
~I may get some serious crap for this, but: animal rescue missions during a natural disaster. I cannot express how this infuriates me. Use the resources for people, please. Once everything's on the up and up (as much as it can be), then, and only then, look for Fluffy and Chuck (the actual names of the cats belonging to my sister-in-law's sister).
~Doctor's instructions: Drink plenty of liquids. Right. As opposed to the solids and noxious gasses I had been drinking before (probably what made me sick in the first place).
~Writer's block. Which, after making this pathetic list, I still kind of have.


Anonymous said...

And a phat AMEN to all that.

Thanks for gracing us with another list. Truly, thou lovest our readers.

La Yen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Jen - This is why I love you. I thought I was the only person in the world who did not think U2 was the greatest band ever. (ok, so I did kind of dress like the Edge back in the eighties - forgive)
Must disagree with the marshmallows. First thing I did when we got a microwave back in the day (first in our neighborhood, I may add) was to put a bowl of them in the microwave, heat, inflate, eat. Mmmmm, bliss.

A question I hate, but have to laugh at:
"Is this your Dad?" You know what I mean.

More Caffiene, Please said...

Okay, so I have not been alone in my life of thinking U2 is about as great as Shakira or, for that matter, The Nelson Twins. They all blow and who knew there were three other people on earth who agree.

~j. said...

Sue - that is REALLY funny.

~j. said...

mcp - when I first read your comment I thought you meant: who knew that there were three other people in that band? tee-hee.

Anonymous said...

I like it when telemarketers call me Joan.

In general, most "rock" is 1. Find a cool riff. 2. Repeat 3. Go to 2. So accussing U2 of doing that is like saying "drink liquids".

U2 - baseline sucks. However, The Edge gives U2 a distinctive sound. That's why they'll be around forever, like it or not.

Shakira - English = blows. Spanish = not so much. Her Spanish stuff is muy bueno.

Animal Rescue and Rights waste - Not just during disasters. I think there are plenty of children who are hungry or mistreated that could benefit from the energy, attention and resources being used on the welfare of animals. People probably like to believe this isn't the case and want to divert attention to the "cool" thing instead of reality. I'm still traumatized by the TV ad in Utah where the mom has to steal ketchup packets to make soup for her hungry kids.

Probably nobody takes reservations in Utah because people are always late. MST.

And thanks for not tagging us this time. The pressure is unbearable. ;)

dalene said...

Have you tried homemade marshmellows? (I think I found the recipe in a Beehive manual). No, they are good though, in that empty but sweet way of cotton candy. Except you can't dip cotton candy in imported chocolate.

Sister, you speak to me on so many levels. But because I am shallow, I'm going to tell you Low Book Sales ruined an entire Christmas for me. A couple of years ago I fell in love with the Drifters' "White Christmas." The kind of "Hold everything! We are all going to stop whatever we're doing--dinner, home evening, family prayer--and pay homage (read sing the entire song at the top of our lungs)" kind of love. And then Low Book Sales had to steal it all away with their big rip off. I would get my hopes up at least 10 times a day, only to have it dashed to pieces by their tacky rendition. Christmas has never been the same for me sincet.

And one more: the "doctor's orders" thing. Worse than the drink plenty of fluids advice is the "Go home and get lots of rest" bit. Are you kidding me? The fact that they can look wives and mothers of small children (yes, I said it that way on purpose!) in the eye and say that with a straight face breeds actual disdain.

Anyway, good post. (And did you read about animal day spas and birthday parties???).

Lisa said...

". . . get lots of rest" CLASSIC! That always makes me really, really mad, too! Cause if I were actually sleeping, 9/10 I wouldn't be sick!

Great list!

~j. said...

Joan - It's not so much that I'm accusing U2 of following the formula, I just don't see why they're hailed as being so incredible when they're really, like you said, just following the rock formula - so is everyone else, so why are U2 the big deal? To me, their distinct sound makes it all the more obvious that they're plain. And thanks for reminding me of the ketchup soup - now I'll go cry. :)

compulsive & lisa v. - I hadn't even considered that one, getting plenty of rest. Have either of you ever been told that by a doctor and then called them on it? "Are you serious? What are my other options?"

Emmie said...

Loved the lesson manual quote! So, so true.

Anonymous said...

Meow! I love Marshmellows! Meow!

Carina said...

Low Book- Does anyone anyone think those ads are funny, amusing or entertaining in any way?

I love when you call and they tell you "no reservations" but they WILL "put your name on the list." I'm sorry, that IS a reservation.

I think there's a comfort factor in U2. We know these guys. Maybe they'll be our generation's Rolling Stones. (I hate the Rolling Stones.)

~j. said...

Jackie Lyn Bongo! Where have you been all these years? I didn't know you were into reading blogs!

Anonymous said...

JACKIE!!!! where the hell have you been??? i've been at this damn rescue mission since last summer looking for you!!! it's real nice though. i get 3 square meals, a nice comfy bed and a weekly grooming as well as a feline massage therapist. you should come visit.

cabesh said...

Thank goodness I'm not the only anti-Oprahite. I have nearly blogged about her twice....but I feel like the universe might turn against me or something if I did (because according to Letterman, she rules the universe).

Carina said...

The manual is very dated. We have permission from our president to update and apply the lesson to the girls as needed (which is always.)

I'm sorry, did you say Foyer?

Anonymous said...

Who you calling JOAN?

Anonymous said...



dalene said...

OK, I know this is so last week, but I just can't help it. Just this week I have gotten e-mails from the following of my dearest friends: Seaboard L. Overturned, Trotting B. Boobed, Gladioluses T. Gaunting and, my personal favorite: Harmonica K. Hooker. If I were going to change my name, it would be to Harmonica K. Hooker.

Anonymous said...

If you don't need to drink plenty of fluids you are in the minority and I HATE telling YOUNG wives and mothers of small children to get plenty of rest, but Hey its comes with the job. I never knew dead cats could read blogs..... and comment too.

Rachel said...

the manual thing....i once cried to my "therapist" about how i had to teach the laurels a load of sh** (wow! i'm ticked!). it was a lesson about glorifying motherhood (which i do think is glorious) but this was the gist of the lesson:

try to guess this job:

*you are the ceo
*you make all of the decisions about how the company is run
*you are constantly gratified by those you serve, blah, blah, blah.

and then there was a quote where someone said they feel sorry for mothers who don't find total fulfillment from their job as mothers. i was in the midst of post-partum, and just wanted to tell the truth--motherhood is great, but it's hard. it's not all glory.

so my therapist actually told me that the manuals were written for the lowest common denominator and that i needed to shed some more truth on the issue (and this was actually lds social services, mind you!). and so i did. and from then on, i looked at the title of the lesson and then used the other sources from the church magazines as indicated. and my lessons were much more real. time to rewrite, folks!

~j. said...

cabesh - we anti-oprahs need to stick together. that woman has a LOT of power...

jc - if i call you joan, you can call me uma. ;)

harmonica - that's great. i like trotting's name.

mom - I know! weird, jackie lyn bongo noonan AND her sister can type. meow.

rachel - good for you! the stories in there are a load of crap, and they do need to be rewritten. I'd so much rather teach from Ensign articles, particularly the Conference talks. They teach principles more directly and it's easier for me to tell the girls not to wear flip-flops to church when it was Elder Holland's idea.

Geo said...

My (young, fabulous, non-corny) bishop works for the Church's curriculum department and he's forever begging for people who use the manuals to give feedback. Make a list and check it twice and I'll forward it on, if you like . . . . You might also want to mention that Gay isn't a great choice for a name in the 21st century.

As for marshmallows, if you'd ever tried Peep jousting in the microwave, you'd probably feel differently about the whole deal. Easter's coming, so maybe this is your year to try a new sport!

In my opinion, The Split Enz/Crowded House/The Finn Brothers make a much better U2 than U2. Decades of great music, wih no annoying repetetive riffs!

~j. said...

Geo - I would happily make a subimssion if I could manage to do so without the sarcasm, which would be a MAJOR effort for me.