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Monday, October 19, 2015

That Picture. And...thank you.

Every year y'all show such support when I post about Taylor Week, and again-- I thank you.

I did want to mention something about this year. This year was different in that, I took the kids to Taylor's grave on October 4th, the day after his birthday. On his birthday, though, my oldest and I went to the cemetery, just the two of us. Every year I take pics of the kids, but there are very few (if any?) pics of me by my son's headstone.

We tried a few pictures which, to be honest, simply didn't work.

They just weren't authentic and I didn't know what to do, and it was weird. Add this to self-imposed stress because I had offered to do something for a friend that evening, and I was running late, torn between allowing myself to be there and just scrapping the whole thing; torn between thinking I should get a picture and not knowing how to create it without feeling like a fake. Even though my crying was real, the whole thing felt hurried and borderline contrived.

So I took a break to do some weeding. My daughter stood by, with her phone and mine, and did what she did without saying a word.

Convincing myself I should get to the thing I promised my friend I would do, I stood up. Though I felt defeated, I was over 20 minutes late and my friend was filling in for me. My daughter handed me my phone and as I began to tell her that we should probably leave, I got a text alert. 

It was the friend I had promised some of my time that evening.

I couldn't believe it. ...And? I sort of could absolutely believe it. The stress melted away. I felt love from above and all around, and for a moment I caught a glimpse of not only God's awareness of me, but of God's love for me, and, frankly, my heart swelled with love and gratitude for my friend acting on the impression to say what needed to be said, and at the exact right time.

Whatever had been holding me back was gone. And though I didn't collapse, I was brought low. 

I could feel.

That last one is what I posted online, to a response of such love and support, and that's why I'm sharing how it came to be. 

In truth, my favorite comment about it came immediately after I posted it, from the girl who took the picture (and, yes, who sent me a text message from her bedroom when I was only downstairs).

Here are the last four pictures she took, right before we left. And really, I can't stress this enough: whether you called, or stopped by, or sent a text, or clicked like, or left a comment, or mentioned it later, or even just thought about it: Thank you.

From the very, very bottom.


The Sisters' Hood said...

ack ... the whole salty thing in my coffee ...
HUGE love to you - beautiful xxxx

jmoesser said...

Strength to you, sista. You got this. I know you do.

Unknown said...

I didn't know that you had lost a son. I'm sorry for your loss, and I pray for your comfort.

Emily said...

This made me cry. I love you.