Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Top 3, Bottom 1

What's weird about this is that I don't feel like posting but I do feel like writing.

I'm writing this on Monday night, but I won't post until Tuesday because I just posted something else which is deserving of some time at the top.

I wrote before about online posts (so meta), with the main point being that just because I (or you, or anyone) portray(s) things as Being Awesome, life is still hard, things are still terrible. And awesome and terrible can, and do, co-exist. 

A long and drawn-out string of events came to a head for me Saturday night; nothing drastic, in fact, it was quite subtle. And quiet. But there was an internal shift which included, for whatever reason (reactionary? I’m not sure yet), a desire to not post pictures or anything else online. Now, let’s not get nuts: It’s only been, like, two days. (And, to be frank, it may not even last until the end of this day.) BUT. For someone who shares as much as I do to only share one blog post in two days’ time is uncharacteristic to say the least.

But I just haven’t felt it. And…I continue to grow weary from what I hear from people (again, mentioned in the other post) about how great everything looks or whatever. It’s like an accusation sometimes.

This brings me to something I totally stole from my friends Kaerlig and Dave. They have, over the years, posted Top 3, Bottom 1. Including the Bottom 1 keeps things real; outnumbering it keeps it in preferable proportion. And there’s flexibility: sometimes there’s only a Bottom 1, but sometimes there’s not a Bottom 1 to be found for days.

So here, for Monday, October 19th, 2015...

Top 3 or however many:

~ Seeing one of my favorite pictures pop up with ‘On This Day’ on facebook. It’s a before/after from when I was in ‘In The Heights’ and what I love about it is the honesty in the before. I see so clearly my yearning to somehow get to…well, to where I am now. I was really looking at myself, almost daring myself to face the real me, and it was when I did that during this time of my life when I caught glimpses of memory and future, fused together in a way I couldn’t conceive but which I held out hope for, and which has happened. Oh, and those earrings in the after picture - I think I still have those.

~ Speaking of ‘In The Heights,’ I saw Ben today. He played Usnavi. It was the perfect surprise to see him, hug him, and catch up on what’s going on with him, his brilliantly lovely wife, and their indescribably beautiful daughter. What’s interesting is that he asked me how I’m doing, how my kids are doing, and he said that when he sees my pictures and what I say on facebook, he knows how difficult it must be, but that if there’s anyone who’s handling it in the best way possible, it’s me and my kids. That sounds and feels a million times better than, “Looks like everything is great!” Anyway, Ben. It had been too long. What a great man.

~ This.

~ Some Zumba. Now, with as much as I have to do, I think it truly does not make sense to some people why or how I dare spend at least an hour a day with this (more, really, taking into account all the showers) (ALL THE SHOWERS), but I don’t care. It’s how I deal. That dancing? It’s curing my aching heart. That singing? Same.

~ My kids came home tonight. I thought I wouldn’t see them until tomorrow after school, but nope: I found out at 6:45 I was supposed to pick them up at 7. They got ready for school tomorrow and folded laundry while I made them a salad, and they ate it while we all listened to my podcast. Like, they asked if they could listen to it…so I let them listen to some of it.

Bottom 1:

My heart. It’s fractured. Just so, so broken. Hurt. It hurts. I don’t miss being married, I don’t regret getting divorced (wish I’d done it sooner, actually). This is something else, and it HURTS.
last image via Dallas Clayton

1 comment:

Christine said...

I can't help but think about that time at the mailbox when I asked you if you're "always at Zumba." I want you to know that question was #1 naive and #2 in no way judgmental. Dance and sing your heart out, my love!! (not that you need or want my permission - HA!)

I love your posts. They make me feel like I am understanding and coming to know you that much better, and you've always been one of those people I wanted to feel closer to.

And your kids? They're so wonderful. I have some stories I need to tell you.