Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Lucky Thirteen

I use the word 'lucky' very cautiously.

It's been thirteen years. 

What it comes down to, today, for me, is this: 

If you would have told me then that in just thirteen years, at this time, during these days, I'd be doing what I'm doing now? To imply that I'd be able to do anything other than lie in bed and weep and hurt? That I'd be getting back on stage and performing in a show I love with people I love more? That I could function and thrive and give of myself in a way I love to do so dearly? I would have sincerely believed it impossible. 

But I'm doing it. 

And for that, I feel beyond lucky. 

Earlier this year I participated in Utah's inaugural Listen To Your Mother show. I wrote about it but haven't yet shared my video presentation because I wanted to save it for this week, for Taylor Week. Here it is: 

And now, here we are. My boy would be becoming a teenager this year. I think about him every day, wonder not only what he'd be like, but think about how the dynamic of our family would differ if he were here. As happy as I am when I am with my husband and kids, I always sense that someone is missing. I miss my boy. 

Thursday is his birthday, and it's also opening night for In The Heights. Bitterly sweet, powerful and healing all around.

And with all else I'm feeling this week, I can't go without saying how blessed and grateful I am to include, this year, that I do, in fact, feel lucky. 


Shauna Smart said...

Thank you for sharing this post and video! I couldn't even imagine where I'd be or what I'd be doing.


Kami said...

Thank you for sharing that video! I'm always shocked at what comments people perceive as comforting. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

Julie DeMille said...

I'm so bummed that I can't come see you in your play. (You know, life gets in the way.) But, I know you'll be great and what a sweet way to celebrate Taylor's day.

the_happy_hausfrau said...

I just saw your LTYM video via their facebook page...now in tears, wishing I could give you a hug. What a beautiful tribute to your boy.

Thank you for sharing.


leschornmom said...

On facebook, I shared your post with a dear friend who lost her daughter, Hope, just over a year ago. She also shared it along with a comment saying that she now knows how to answer that very difficult question. Just thought you'd like to know!

Livin' La Vida Lanphear said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. We lost our newborn daughter nearly 20 years ago. And I still have the same issues as you do. It shouldn't be so hard to answer a simple question. I have also dealt with more insensitive remarks than I should have. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

Tori :) said...

Beautiful. <3

Kalli said...

I am so happy to read this, my heart beats for Taylor week every year. Can't wait to see the show.

Maleen said...

That was beautiful and touching. And your writing style is eloquent and revealing. I feel like you are a novel in which each chapter reveals something extraordinary. I feel blessed to know you.

Carolyn said...

That was beautiful, Jenny. Thank you.