...or, a thing about divorce, I guess.
It isn't always terrible.
Maybe you believe that. Or maybe you'd never, ever, ever believe that.
Here's what I mean: yes, it can be terrible. It can be difficult and draining and exhausting and terrifying.
It can also be wonderful. It can be joyous and validating and freeing and an answer to prayers. Sometimes years of prayers.
My reality as it relates to this post is this: I have wanted to talk about this in a safe space for a long time. In my head I posted a year ago with a desperate explanation of why I suddenly enrolled in school last summer, taking 6 credits in the first block of summer and 11 credits last fall. It wouldn't have-- couldn't have-- been a clear, this-is-why post, a my-marriage-is-ending post. I didn't even say the words out loud until one evening last October in Georgia, as a final and clear realization to my brother as much as to myself as the words formed themselves and left my mouth. "I want a divorce."
In my mind I've crafted and drafted and wanted to provide a clear, concise explanation to those who have read and participated in my blog for the past decade-plus. My reality is that blogging, in ways direct and indirect, has lead to me now being able to have employment, and that is no small thing, not by a stretch. Still, when something is online, it's online. And my kids, they're online, or they will be. So I've gone back-and-forth, with their protection and well-being, particularly considering their current ages, at the forefront.
I've asked friends, 'How do I talk about this on my blog?' I've drafted, I've edited, I've discarded. I've thought and thought and planned and...ultimately, not posted.
Today, a Thursday in July, taking a brief break from my work (my office at the moment is my bed), I'm writing this out (no draft, just off the top) and I'm going to publish it. And of course there will be more to say, but here I am, and here it is. It's time.
See, I'm not in the habit of airing dirty laundry, particularly about my marriage; I never have been. So if you're looking for that, you're not going to find it here, from me. That's not who I am.
Who am I?
I'm a woman closer to 40 than 30. I'm kind and loyal and generous and thoughtful and creative. I've prioritized my children since before they were born. I'm a hard worker and talented and a good student. I feel an obligation to both follow rules AND defy authority. I have a lot of love to give. I'm easy-going and like to do things, try new things. I'm not afraid to say, 'I don't know,' and I'm not afraid to lose. I'm brave.
And last year I decided to do a really hard thing. I actually felt like I was dying. I decided I wanted to live and thrive, and be on my way to becoming my best self and being happy. So I filed for divorce.
I'm divorced. And parts have been, and are, and will be, terrible. But...no, AND. And? And I'm more happy and more myself than I've been in years. On my way to happy. Have been Feeling happy.
That's something about divorce: feeling happiness and peace and love in friendships? That's no small thing.