Friday, February 11, 2011

in real time

I haven't posted a lot lately, but it's not for lack of ideas; in fact, it may just be for overload. I mentioned in my last post, though, my desire to share more of my beliefs, my personal beliefs. As I've considered the right way (is there a right way?) to go about it, I've concocted all sorts of formulas and lists, but what strikes me this evening is that I should simply write down what just - just - happened.

It's Friday night. To be precise, it's the Friday before Valentine's Day, and I had forgotten that my husband had a meeting to attend tonight. "So should I go to the six p.m. meeting tonight, or the afternoon meeting tomorrow?" he asked me right before 6:am today. My heart dipped a little, as I had been hoping for our regular date night, a special Sweetheart's dinner (although, to be honest, we're not big Valentine celebrators). By the time Darin got home from work this afternoon, my headache had begun to settle along with my grumpiness. I was tired but knew a 5:pm nap would devastate my weekend's schedule, so I simply rested, mindlessly in front of Seinfeld reruns. I usually don't mind when he has meetings to attend, but tonight, as the minutes flicked by on the clock, I realized I was hungry: for dinner, yes, but more for the company of Darin, as we typically schedule, to converse without interruption. I could hardly stand the idea of waiting another entire week.

When his meeting was finished, he phoned me.

"I'm done."

"Great. Want to go to dinner?"

"Do we have any money?"

"Not really."

"Then, no."

I wanted to scream. It's not about the money, and our time together is priceless and essential! Don't you dare make this about money! Instead, I grabbed a bowl of cereal and sat down at the table, clearly annoyed.

After a few brief exchanges, and a lot of silence from me, I recognized what was happening. Just then, Darin asked, "Is anything wrong?"

"I need to go to bed."

"Did I do something to make you mad?"

I put my spoon down, looked him in the eye, and said, plainly, "The adversary is trying really hard to get me to be irritated with you because we're planning on going to the temple tomorrow."

He said okay, and I imagine I was getting to be irritating to him as well, so I put my bowl in the sink, we had our family prayer, and I left my Friday Night Family enjoying their tween shows for the hike upstairs to my room.

My thoughts were going a million miles a minute. Wash my face, take out my contacts. Skirt! Do I have a skirt clean? Clean, yes, but is it wrinkled? Should I steam it tonight? Will I even do it in the morning? Temple bag, temple bag...I don't even know where my temple bag is, how embarrassing. I'm so exhausted. I'm wasting time even planning. I need sleep...

Finally, I hit my knees in prayer: "Heavenly Father, I'm so tired. I have so much to do. My body needs sleep. I'm nervous about going to the temple tomorrow. I know I should want to go. Please help me want to go. Please help me be strong and diligent enough tonight to just do the essentials before I go to bed, I don't want to stay up late, get caught up in some project and be too tired in the morning. Please help me."

As I stood up, my mind drifted to two places: first, my laptop. 'Are you kidding me?' I thought. 'If ever there was something to keep me from going to sleep...'.

And the second: my son Taylor. Taylor passed away and would be 10, almost 10 & 1/2, and I miss him. I miss him so much. Missing him makes me weary; weary because I feel like my family is missing someone -- all the time I feel this way, even now, hearing my kids downstairs, knowing they're enjoying life and safe here in our home, I have that feeling that I have to stay up to wait for someone else to come home before we're complete; weary because I know people don't like to hear about it -- it's awkward and they don't know what to say. And weary because I know that it is in the temple where Heaven and Earth are closest, and each time I go to the temple, the longing for me to sense my son's presence is strongest, yet the entire process is so emotionally overwhelming my mortal mind and emotions can only wonder if even going there (physically and emotionally) is worth the hassle.

In the quiet, my son on my mind, I clicked on my google reader and saw a post shared by Dalene. I clicked on it and read, my eyes widening. Sons, deaths, blessings. Clicking over to the post to read the comments, the tears began to fall from my eyes.

There are angels among us. Heaven is close, closer than we realize. Those who have gone on before us are watching and waiting for us so that we can be together again. And God loves us and knows us. He knows what we need, and if we'll listen (even when what I'm told is that it's okay to feel the hurt of missing my son, as well as the direction to look at the computer), even when the direction might seem to not make any sense, we will be comforted and blessed. And when we follow that direction, we can rest as we, bodies and souls, need.

15 comments:

Emily said...

That was really lovely. Thanks.

Vern said...

Brave. Oh, and awesome.

swampbaby said...

Thanks for sharing, ~j. You are right. He and they are closer than we know.

La Yen said...

I will never be tired of hearing about Taylor. He is one of the family no matter what or when.

Emily said...

I love this.

kimsueellen said...

Jenny, as I sit at my computer reading your post I feel kindred to you. I am not sure why I am here. I don't have time to read blogs. I don't have time to be up late tonight, but here I am. Up late. Reading your blog. Tears rolling down my cheeks. I feel like you described my week, my husband and I haven't been to the temple together for so so long. Tonight we were suppose to go when the boy scouts planned a camp out, so we had to cancel going to ward temple night so he could go with the scouts. Like you, the adversary has been working on us so hard, it is because going to the temple is where we need to go, to feel peace, to feel comfort, to feel close to Him. My husband and I lost a baby when I was about half way through my pregnancy almost 3 years ago next month. Thank you for reminding me of the one place I can go to feel the peace I am so desperately seeking in my life. The one place I can go to feel how close the veil is, and to remember that some day we can see our baby again.

I hope you have an amazing day at the temple tomorrow and that somehow you get your date in.

xoxo

The redhead said...

Lovely.

cabesh said...

Thank you for sharing so beautifully. You never fail to inspire me.

Lesa said...

Coming by way of MMB. Nice to meet you.

This post is beautiful as well as the comments. We always have contention at our house right before we are going to go to the temple.

Hope you had a special day.

Kalli Ko said...

I am forever being resentful and angry towards my spouse over stuff he can't control, I hate that about myself.

Jen said...

What a wonderful blessing! I'm so grateful you shared it. I have been trying really hard to recognize the tender mercies like this that are in my life. Too often I feel like they are for everyone but me.

leschornmom said...

Thank you... I know what you mean... I needed to hear that... the advasary knows our weaknesses... I still miss David...

Naomi Miles said...

Thanks for a great post. I hope you got to enjoy your time at the temple.

Steph said...

Have I told you lately how amazing you are?

Giggles said...

Thank you.