Tuesday, December 25, 2007

It's 1:30 am, Christmas Day, 2007. Everything is finished and ready to go downstairs. Li'l ~j. is awake in her room, and has been for about an hour or so (and that's after having gone to bed later than usual and waking up twice before). I wish she'd go back to sleep, but I can't blame her for being excited. I told her that Santa can't come if I'm awake, and I won't go to sleep until she does. *sigh*

I have a raging headache and lots of anxiety. With each pregnancy, I knew what the baby's gender was even before I was told. Even with li'l ~j., and we "waited" until she was born because we wanted the surprise. But I knew. I've always known. But not this time, and it's stressing me out. In a few hours we'll learn this baby's gender, and before we do, I wanted to chronic(what)cle what my feelings about it have been thus far.

Knowing full well that I wanted to have a baby sooner than later, I just kind of always thought that this next one would be a boy . . . that is, until, I learned I was pregnant. It was then that I admitted that I truly had/have no idea. I strained to be in tune with myself, with the baby, but I received nothing.

I turned to my kids, who have been surprisingly accurate in making predictions about their siblings, and we've got mixed reactions there, too. Li'l ~j. says boy. Curly says girl. Superstar says a girl whose name is Bubby.

Paying attention to my body, all signs point to girl. With my pregnancies, I lose weight for at least the first half of the pregnancy; with boys I carry straight out and feel and look great. With girls I am all-over frumpy and dumpy, which applies here.

My guilt comes from an experience I had a few weeks ago. In the middle of the night (yes, when I got up to use the bathroom) I reconciled the fact that I want this to be a boy. If for no other reason than that I want Bubby to have a little brother to be buddies with. I have not really talked about this because I don't want the superficiality that comes along with such a statement. Of course either gender will be wonderful. But having grown up as a girl who always felt second-rate due mainly to her gender (this feeling, thankfully, no longer applies), I have not dared say out loud that I hope for a boy in the case that it's a girl and she ever finds out I thought so.

Also, fyi, during the ultrasound I was getting very strong vibes -- not creating them, but I can't deny that they were there -- of the boy variety.

Last point: It is what it is and none of the above will change it. I'll add to this post later.


****************************

Good morning. Sorry it's taken me a few days -- I was busy trying to desperately catch up on sleep, dodge a flu-thing (success!), and learn how to play Guitar Hero. You know, all the important things in life.

As for the results: well, in the Catholic/LDS tradition, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without feeling guilt, now would it? Anyone need any once-used boy clothes?

23 comments:

AzĂșcar said...

2:51 am, still not finished.

I can't wait to find out who is joining the circus!

Queen Scarlett said...

Did you ever get to sleep? Kalea was up 3-4 times and saw her Daddy putting together the bike that was supposed to be from Santa... so... Santa switched gifts with us. This morning... wow a bike - Daddy put it together for e. ;-)

Can't wait to find out about your gift...and whatever the gender...they are lucky to have you two as parents...and awesome little siblings to play with.

compulsive writer said...

I'm on pins and needles!

I understand somewhat of what you speak. With my youngest I had girl on my mind for the same reason. With two boys rather close together in age I was hoping for my daughter who came next to have someone to be close to as well. Of course they were going to be four years apart, so that was nonesense.

Before I had always known what I was having without the help of an ultrasound and I still remember the day when the feeling was beyond denying that this would be a boy. I think I kind of knew he might be my last as well. So I drove myself to the fabric store that very day and picked out the cutest "boy" blanket fabric I could find and started on the blanket that very day in order to help me switch gears,

My daughter still complains about not having a younger sister, but I've about got her convinced that a little sister would have been every bit as annoying to her as her little brother is. Maybe even more.

I'll be back soon!

p.s. I don't think you look frumpy dumpy. I think you look great!

i i eee said...

It's 2:37 PM, and still not finished.

Oh the Christmas anticipation!

Bek said...

I was sure this baby was a boy. I seem to be able to get the vibe on anyone one but myself.

It isn't wrong to want another boy. Why wouldn't you want your son to have a buddy the same way that your girls have each other? It doesn't mean you wouldn't love a girl too, but same gender siblings are just different. That is why I wanted a boy too...but we are thrilled with what we got.

Can't wait to hear the news... I still say boy...

compulsive writer said...

I'll be checking back before we head out of town tomorrow. I don't think we'll have Internet access and I don't know I can wait the whole rest of the week. Either way I'm sooooo excited!

heather said...

yo, i'm dyin' here!! must. have. baby. news.
:) hope you guys had a lovely christmas.

Sue said...

I've never been able to get a sense of what gender my babies were until the ultra sound told us. I'm a bit jealous of those that are more in tune.

I wanted a boy first, because I always wanted a big brother, I got a girl and was, of course, thrilled with her. I wanted a boy next, because I wasn't sure if we would be able to have more, and I wanted one of each. I got a girl, and was, of course, thrilled with her. I wanted a boy next, because it was definitely our last shot, and got a boy.

I was delighted each time, of course, but I always had a wish list. I think it's human and normal to sort of hope for one or the other.

Tori :) said...

I've always known too. I told Sei after Taj that I knew there was a baby girl waiting for us. Enter Livie...
Congrats Jenny. Boy or girl - it's one lucky kid.

swampbaby said...

Spill the beans, already!!! :-) And no matter what it is, at some point you will know that that is how it is suppose to be and all the guilt/anxiety you have felt will be gone.

wendysue said...

I'm really pumping up your statcounter today!
Hope you had a fabulous Christmas!

Tori :) said...

Still waiting...
Just admit it. Did you lose the envelope with the ultrasound pic?

AzĂșcar said...

Tori, your new avatar is hilarious.

wendysue said...

Congratulations! And hopefully in Feb. I'll get news that I could use those boy clothes. I kind of feel the same as you did. . .I usually have a very vivid dream or just flat out know, but with this one. . . . .. nothin. Hmm, time will tell.

Oh, and I was right. . .you DO want more drama in your life!! And just think, Bubby will be a great husband, being able to dodge all those female hormones.

Tori :) said...

YAY for little girls!! Congrats.

swampbaby said...

You do girls well. That's why you are getting another one. Her and Bubby will be best buds.

Yours Truly said...

Congrats!!! What a lucky little girl coming to a great family!

Shar-bear said...

Yay. Congrats!

b. said...

Awwww...CONGRATULATIONS!!
She will be just as beautiful as her sisters and have the best buddy for a big brother!

Kacy said...

I just hope our girls--all the blog baby girls--one day form a super exclusive clique.

{natalie} said...

jenny, i'm an idiot, I kept checking your page but never scrolling down so I just now saw the update. congrats on the baby girl!!! Don't worry I won't tell her your secret feelings of boyness.

Tiffany Twisted said...

congrats on the girl. my boy won't have anyone either, but i totally know what you mean. i wanted madeline to be a boy (shhh don't tell her) so i kept saying i didn't know, but i knew. i also kept saying i didn't know with this one because i think i wanted a boy and i didn't want it not to be a boy :) we're all weird when it comes to these things.

Bek said...

Yay for girls, as another "about to have a girl mamma" who was sure she was having a boy and will have only one boy in the family...welcome to the club!!!

Our girls will have to have a blog baby clique and then fight for the love and attention from the blog baby boys (CJane and Tiffany so far, did I miss anyone else?).