Sunday, April 09, 2006

discuss

For discussion purposes, from you, the peanut gallery:

When you got married, did you join your spouse's family, did they join yours, or did you truly start your own? Or, what combination of these?

**If you're not yet married, it's something to consider.**

14 comments:

LuckyRedHen said...

I joined his and we made our own. We lived in their family ward for a few years and had dinner over there every Sunday with Ben's siblings too. My family isn't really "family" oriented, they don't like Ben's honesty (nor my own), that we're members of The Church (especially me) and we never see each other anyway. Now that we're in Utah away from ANY family we've created our own little nucleus. Thanks for askin'!

Tori :) said...

All our immediate family lives out of state (Cali, Idaho, Texas, Kansas), so we've made our own. We had to intergrate 2 families to begin with- HIS, MINE and now OURS. :) Sei has cousins around here, but we rarely see them. We both keep in tight contact with our families, but we're pretty much on our own out here. I hope that my kids live closer to us than I do to my parents/siblings.

Lorien said...

60% I joined his, 40 % he joined mine. This is mostly because of proximity and volume. I'm the oldest of 4 kids, he's the nex-to-the-youngest of 7. So there are scads of cousins, aunts and uncles on his side, and only 4 aunt/uncles and so far only 1 cousin on my side. And all but one brother live out of state at the moment on my side, and only 1 of his sibs lives outside of Provo (Evanston) on his side. So we spend a weighted amount of time with Francis. But fortunately my folks live only about 4 miles away, so we see them lots, too. Just not every day like his side. We've combined traditions and created some of our own, but extended family figures into our family a lot. It's nice to be part of something so close-knit that is larger than just our immediate family. And I am happy to say that most of us get along most of the time.

What's yours like, ~j?

Lorien said...

Oh, and I meant to add that as our family got bigger and our kids get older, that our family is getting more and more OURS.

more caffeine, please said...

Since our parents live three houses apart and my brother introduced me and Chad, I would say we are one big fat Utah County family, although Draper is as close to the bubble as we'll get.

AzĂșcar said...

J joined my family. J's are out of state and he has a strained relationship with them (although I love them, esp. my mother-in-law.) Family is Very Important to me and my immediate family. J was uncomfortable with how close my family is for a long time. When he finally decided to get over his thing it was a lot nicer for everyone.
However, our discussions about our respective families and our interactions (or non-interactions) have probably been one of the biggest sources of contention in our marriage.

I told him when we got married that I didn't care which family we lived near (his or mine) but that I would always have to live near family, it's just how I was raised. Since he wasn't fond of his at the time, we chose mine.

We have started our own family, but we remain very close to my side.

Emmie said...

With us, there was joinage on both sides. Luckily, S gets along great with my family and genuinely loves spending time with them (and they with him). This is a huge source of happiness for me because, like Carina, family is Very Important to me. We live a few minutes from his parents, (and 3 doors down from his brother), and we see them a lot. We'll definitely have our own traditions, vacations, etc. throughout our life together, but spending time with both families will always be a high priority.

Lyle said...

When we were first married, both families were in close proximity. Whereas I'm second youngest of six kids and my wife is the oldest of four, we probably started off spending 60% with her family. Then most of my family started spreading out after my parents retired to Western Colorado and things shifted to about 90%. Now that we are alone in Texas, it's 100% my wife and kids...if that answers the question.

wendysue said...

Since we started dating so early (yep, I was a "don't date til your 16" breaker. . .) our families have been meshed together for a long time. We're really blessed that we get along smashingly with both sides. My family is spread across the country now but we try to make lots of excuses to get together and play. Matt is the oldest of 7 and all but one sibling are still here in Lincoln. We get together every Sunday for family dinner. It's great that the kids get to see their grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins a lot and we're taking advantage of it while we can.

Sometimes Matt and I talk about moving away so we can kind of be on our own for a while, but it's a big blessing to have family so close. We'll stay as long as we can.

compulsive writer said...

It depends on whom you ask. To my slight annoyance, my husband still refers to visiting the place where he grew up as "home." But he still has his boyhood home and almost all the family lives across the street or around the corner. (My family got transplanted after my father died at the young age of 44--so nothing left but the memories.)

If you ask my MIL I joined his family as well. And if you ask his MIL he joined ours. But if you ask me we started our own and home will always right here where I am. I was adamant we start our own traditions and I'm downright possessive about spending Christmas at our house--not someone else's.

Here's another thing. I love both families and they both drive us crazy sometimes (I'm currently drafting a blog about things I will never ever say to my children and their spouses...), but I also very much consider my ward to be my family. My RS sisters are my sisters and I feel closer to them and they know me better than any of my blood kin. I don't know how that's all going to shake out in the eternities, but I know there are people I was meant to know and love who aren't related by blood and they are my family too.

La Yen said...

I adore my family, and adore his family, but have a very low tolerance for both, so what starts out as a "Let's spend all week with both in California" generally ends up with "I am so glad we live in Texas" as we drive home. That being said, If I could live next door to his brother, my sister, and my sister-in-law, Ames, and Nayvor (who is my sister from another Mother) I would be eternally happy. This year with the Jooj, we have started really coming together as our own family, mostly from isolation and from "We will NOT do that with our own child!!" I wish, though, that we didn't have to make our family so much--I envy the Clarks and the Clark-spinoffs!

beans said...

i'm not married. you know that. but i will say that i feel as though i'm part of sean's family because i knew his family before i knew him. and also, his parents call me on a regular basis to invite me out, invite me over, or just to "chat" and by chat, i mean, tell me the same story that i heard the last 1700 times i talked to them. people however think it's strange that i hang out with my boyfriend's parents because he lives 1300 miles away. but it's ok with me. when i get off the phone with them, they tell me they love me. they can be overwhelming at times, but they're good hearted people.

and i'm working on sean to become more family oriented. he's going to meet mom's family this summer. he's a good guy and i wish he would come out of his shell a little more and get into family like i am. besides, i have an awesome family and want him to get as much out of them as i do. we'll see what happens this summer. then, i'll get back to you. the true test will be getting bundy's approval.

Jake Roi said...

Long time reader, first time comment. The topic was simply too compelling to resist.

When first married, the scales were heavily weighted to "her" side. We went there on Sundays, and when her mom babysat our first child, we were there every day. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter? There. La Reine worked in her parents business etc. etc. etc. That's not to say that we didn't see or interact with my family, we did that too, just not as often. We had the luxury (and betimes the curse), of being in the same town with both sets of in-laws, so we saw all of our family quite a bit.

As the years progressed, we came to balance the scales. Her family moved further away, we began to develop our own traditions and family "times", my younger siblings became more fun to be around.

20 years later, the scales are balanced as they should be - with the bulk of the weight on "our" side, but nicely couter-balanced with frequent interaction with both of our families - ofter with all of them at our home.

And, we're beginning to enrich our family through the associations of our children. I'm very much looking forward to an ongoing expansion with views to eternity glimpsed just beyond the horizon.

~j. said...

Thanks, everyone, for your comments. I just thought that this would be an interesting thing to think about.

As for myself, when I got married, we lived (and still do) at least 600 miles from my in-laws, and nearly 2000 miles from my husband's in-laws. If that's a prerequisite, then we certainly started our own. The actual distance aside, I think we've really created our own, both conscious of what from our growing-up years we did (and did NOT) want for our own family. Being without family in close proximity has certainly helped us with this.

That being said, sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone (family) close by to watch the kids so that we could go away for a weekend or something.

I know quite a few couples who have both sides of the family living close by, and they find it difficult to balance their family obligations between his side and her side, along with trying to establishing their own traditions. Holidays become a battle of which set of grandparents get more MINUTES. What a nightmare.

If you were to tally our 'minutes', we've done more with my side of the family...even though they're 2000 miles away. That's just how it's been.